August!!!

August!!!

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.”
― Mark Z. DanielewskiHouse of Leaves

 

In August your expectation is that things will start to change. The end of summer is slowly approaching. Your relaxed routine is about to return to a hectic place for most people and the season as you know it is moving forward.

My August was all of this plus a multitude of storms all coming at one. I didn’t know if I needed an umbrella, windbreaker, an underground shelter or battle clothes. The uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen next when you are dealing with an analytic person can be overwhelming.

 

Week One

The fight begin….

I over analyze everything but at times I just take the punches and roll with it!!! THIS AUGUST……Mayweather boxed me up for almost 30 whole days not ten rounds like you are used to but for a whole month!! I ducked and dodged but still felt like I had been in the fight of my life.  Uncertainty of what is next had set in!

 

Week Two

The storm came….
Image result for person caught in a stormEverything I had held onto was in a whirlwind and I had to act like everything was still standing in the same place. Vision was so clouded from everything flying up and around me I could not see what was ahead of me.

Week three

Uncertainty and disbelief set in

 

Uncertainty is a silent killer to people who are used to having everything seemingly in order! The tears, the panic attacks, the unanswered prayers, the anger, the feeling of defeat and the despise for others who seems to be breezing through my August storm.

Week 4

The tears were still flowing but I finally started to see a rainbow after the storm

As my August ends and September begins the lesson I took away from this all is winds come to blow you into the area that you are supposed to be in. Sometimes we focus so much on what is wrong that we don’t get a chance to see all the things that are right!

Angie

NO!

NO!

“Sometimes “No” is the kindest word.”
Vironika Tugaleva

All she ever heard:

Was no you can’t go!

No you can’t stay!

No you would not like this at all!

No you won’t fit in!

No it’s not your type of people!

No I don’t want you following me!

No I don’t want to be seen with you!

No can you just go home!

As she hung her head in defeat and retreated to the place in her mind where NO was a place of acceptance the phone rang. It was in that moment she realized that NO was the kindest word she had ever heard because in a blink of an eye everything had just changed.

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Written by Angie

Bewilderment…

 

“People in this world look at things mistakenly, and think that what they do not understand must be the void. This is not the true void. It is bewilderment..”

Miyamoto Musashi

 

Have you ever left someone’s presence feeling:

A bit lost?

A bit confused?

A bit dumbfounded?

A bit empty?

Having no words to explain your experience with them

Full of regret!

Full of disbelief!

Full of questions!

It’s called bewilderment and that is the feeling that just came over me!!

Complete Mystification!!!!

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Where’s Thomas?????

“You can decorate absence however you want- but you’re still gonna feel what’s missing.”
― Siobhan Vivian

 

doubting

No one knew I was looking

No one knew I was listening

No one knew, I knew exactly where you were and that you knew where I was but you never came

No one knew I cried for what was not there

No one knew that I had a real life doubting Thomas in my life

No one knew I lost all trust in people because of you

No one knew I secretly envied every relationship other kids had with their fathers

No one knew that I allowed others to love me but I could not give them the same in the return

No one knew when I turned 16 I finally saw your face and I couldn’t allow myself to even look you in your eyes

No one knew my life altered when you told me that you loved me and I cringed even listening to your voice

No one knew that every phone call after that didn’t make it easier I still doubted every one of your words and actions

No one knew that when I got the phone call that you had passed away that I said to myself maybe he can finally rest peacefully

No one knew as the casket closed you took a portion of my heart with you

No one knew that I spent my whole life trying to fill the void of your absence with being everything for everybody until it was no more of me left to GIVE

No one knew I did it because I didn’t want any person to ever feel how I felt so it was easy for people to use me because I had picked up your doubting bloodline

I DOUBTED

I was ever good enough

Pretty enough

Perfect enough

Smart enough

Worthy enough

Until ten years ago my heavenly Father knew it was time to get rid of the doubting bloodline

It took a minute because breaking generational curses through bloodlines can be challenging to let go until you find it in yourself wanting a change..

I am no longer a bastard because I have a Dad…my bloodline has changed!

My inheritance is greater than I could have ever imaged

Your absence had me missing out on what God has given to me for this season of my life

So your daughter is no longer doubting but a true believer that God can do it anything even fill the void of a fatherless child

Angela