Bewilderment…

 

“People in this world look at things mistakenly, and think that what they do not understand must be the void. This is not the true void. It is bewilderment..”

Miyamoto Musashi

 

Have you ever left someone’s presence feeling:

A bit lost?

A bit confused?

A bit dumbfounded?

A bit empty?

Having no words to explain your experience with them

Full of regret!

Full of disbelief!

Full of questions!

It’s called bewilderment and that is the feeling that just came over me!!

Complete Mystification!!!!

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The Great Escape

“In the serenity and quiet of this lovely place, touch the depths of truth, feel the hem of Heaven. And when you leave, don’t forget why you came…”
― Oksana Rus

cage

One Sunday morning she arose and dressed in her finest clothes and headed to church because she wanted to experience peace on Earth just a little bit longer

She smiled brightly at me and whispered softly in my ear “I love you” because she knew words had power

Never wanting anyone to feel less than special when they were in her presence she treated them  with kindness because she knew why she came

Her time was approaching and she knew it but she wouldn’t leave the cage until the right wind could take her to the place she needed to be

As the key slowly turned  and the gate began to open she began to feel the freedom of letting go….  and she slowly began to coast like an eagle

Her take off was slow because she was fighting the current to make sure WE were alright however slowly the momentum began to pick up as she went from coasting to soaring

Never forgetting why she came

So I leave you with this thought an eagle knows the purpose for which they have come

They know when to coast and they know when to accelerate…….

Today “our” eagle we celebrate your acceleration !!!!!!

 

 

Auntie

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Where’s Thomas?????

“You can decorate absence however you want- but you’re still gonna feel what’s missing.”
― Siobhan Vivian

 

doubting

No one knew I was looking

No one knew I was listening

No one knew, I knew exactly where you were and that you knew where I was but you never came

No one knew I cried for what was not there

No one knew that I had a real life doubting Thomas in my life

No one knew I lost all trust in people because of you

No one knew I secretly envied every relationship other kids had with their fathers

No one knew that I allowed others to love me but I could not give them the same in the return

No one knew when I turned 16 I finally saw your face and I couldn’t allow myself to even look you in your eyes

No one knew my life altered when you told me that you loved me and I cringed even listening to your voice

No one knew that every phone call after that didn’t make it easier I still doubted every one of your words and actions

No one knew that when I got the phone call that you had passed away that I said to myself maybe he can finally rest peacefully

No one knew as the casket closed you took a portion of my heart with you

No one knew that I spent my whole life trying to fill the void of your absence with being everything for everybody until it was no more of me left to GIVE

No one knew I did it because I didn’t want any person to ever feel how I felt so it was easy for people to use me because I had picked up your doubting bloodline

I DOUBTED

I was ever good enough

Pretty enough

Perfect enough

Smart enough

Worthy enough

Until ten years ago my heavenly Father knew it was time to get rid of the doubting bloodline

It took a minute because breaking generational curses through bloodlines can be challenging to let go until you find it in yourself wanting a change..

I am no longer a bastard because I have a Dad…my bloodline has changed!

My inheritance is greater than I could have ever imaged

Your absence had me missing out on what God has given to me for this season of my life

So your daughter is no longer doubting but a true believer that God can do it anything even fill the void of a fatherless child

Angela

Windows

“Don’t throw stones at your neighbors if your own windows are glass.”

Benjamin Franklin

window

Windows

I use to play a game called “I spy” with my little eyes…

One of my favorite memories of my childhood was our big picture window

It had a two way view

You can see me

Or I could see you

Sometimes it was dirty

Sometimes it was clean

But it didn’t stop me from looking it just shifted my view of how I could see

Each time I looked out of the window I made the decision to choose which set of eyes I would use in that moment:

Piercing eyes

Judging eyes

Emphatic Eyes

Crossed Eyes

Rolling Eyes

Condemning Eyes

Loving Eyes

Forgiving Eyes

Sometimes we tend to look through our windows with the wrong mindset

We all have windows in our lives so be careful of the stones you toss

Remember some glass is very fragile and easily broken

And some you can toss a rock off of and it will bounce right off

But either way in the end it will come back and hit you

Food for thought

Shades/blinds are also directional…what is behind your shade?

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If……….

01-WhatIf

“You see, the what ifs are as boundless as the stars.”
― Sally Gardner

If you had only 1000 words left to say….

Would they be used to edify or terrify

Would they be used to build up or tear down

Would you say I love you or I hate you

If I spoke to you would you take the time to say hello or continue to just walk by

If I didn’t understand would you take the time to explain 

If I said hateful mean things to you would you say I forgive you

Would you say I am sorry

Or it was all a misunderstanding

Or would you scream at me

Or yell foul things at me

Go ahead and ask yourself if I have reached my 999th word what is the last word I would want someone to hear come out of my mouth

Mine would be thankful!!! What would your last word be……

Always take the time to choose your words carefully because you may never know when your last word will be…

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Identifying Love

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu

love transforms

Weaken by Pain

Strengthen by Love

Fearful because of Hurt

Courageous because of Love

 

They loved me enough to push on the painful spots that in turn gave me the strength to move past the pain

They did not physically touch me to invoke more pain they just pressed enough on the sore spot until I decided it was time to find my strength to let it go

When fear tried to overtake me they waited for me  with an open hand and a gentle heart as I found my courage to transform from a caterpillar to a butterfly

Step by step my metamorphosis was taking form because I became courageous enough to allow their love to strengthen me

THIS IS HOW I IDENTIFY LOVE

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Joy

“Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God.”
― Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

joy

As she sat with her head bowed for so many years

Something inside of her was still allowing her to rise each day

Slowly her head began to rise and the twinkle returned to her eyes

From the depths of her soul

Arose the biggest smile

Because the joy that was once 

Lost could now be found

Because she realized that God was there all the time!

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Hidden but listening!

“I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t been able to hear.”

Ray Charles

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Can you see me?

Sitting in a room filled with hundreds of people but no one saw her…

Living in a  home and she was overlooked…..

Such a large family but no one asked about her…

Her tears poured down but no one wiped them…

She was lost in her pain….

She was screaming for help…

They laughed at her…

They teased her…

They belittled her…

In the midst she became bitter…

But she knew that was not her final destination…

She asked God can you see me…..

He answered yes and sent someone who heard her silence and they extended their hand to call her to her moment of FREEDOM!!!!

HIDING but she could HEAR!

Photo reference
www.behance.net

written by: cropped-angela-cursive1.jpg

Pretty vs. Beautiful

Pretty Hurts  (view YouTube Video)

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.”  Helen Keller

The first time I heard “hey beautiful” I cried because now the image that had been created by words from people who didn’t know better and my thought pattern over the years was finally erased!

Beyonce

As a child I would study people because I was told so often I was not the correct image because my standards didn’t measure up to all others. I was told I was pretty because my skin was light and my eyes were light but I did not have the right body type. “You would be so pretty if you would just lose a little weight!” I heard this in my family. I heard this in my work place! I heard it even when people didn’t think I could hear them! I heard it in my church! As a young child it hurt and as a result I became an adult that was hurt as well! I suffered from a disease called PERFECTION! I suffered from bulimia! I suffered from insecurity! I put on the best clothes, nails were always done, hair never out of place and I still was not meeting the standards of the WORLD! The words were choking the life out of me.

words hurtI watched and prayed for countless children as I was growing and even now into my adulthood because of the standards that are being put on them. One in particular that stood out was Blue Ivy. She was called all kinds of names by adults  because of how her hair looked. I look at Lil Kim and how her whole image of self has changed because of the words spoken to her. I look at Michael Jackson and numerous other celebrities and understand that this world has set standards that one can never live up too. We also have celebrities that have these images that people think they have to live up to. Where do we draw the line? Or do we create our own line? We have children killing themselves daily because of these standards. WORDS HURT! Don’t let people set standards pertaining to your LIFE! While I was teaching my child I was learning the same thing!

teach

 

Most of us are not equipped to handle the words that are used to choke the life out of us! We live in a world full of superficial people of who standards we would never live up to. It is time for us to set our own standards. It is time for us to use our words to help build and not tear down. Teach your children the difference between pretty and beautiful! When you do this you are also teaching them the difference between healthy and unhealthy! Anything that is causing a person to die slowly on the inside it isn’t healthy. This is not a fat or skinny thing! This is not a black or white thing! This is not a poor or rich thing! It’s not a girl thing or a boy thing! This is a HUMAN thing!

difference

I did everything I could do to live up to the standards of others until I realized there was a difference between pretty and beautiful.

  • Pretty  attractive in a delicate way without being truly beautiful or handsome.
  • Beautiful possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind

I never understood that beauty was skin deep until I met two people who looked past my outside and told me what I looked like on the inside. Well into my adulthood words that were spoken from my youth were still holding me hostage. They were able to explain that being pretty can fade away but what is on the inside is what really counts. They were used by God to show me my heart! They helped develop me into what I was called to do! I love being me! The PRETTY vs. BEAUTIFUL battle is now over!

#prettybeautifulmoment

Now don’t get me wrong I still think it is necessary to keep yourself clean and presentable but now it is according to the standards that I set for myself and not someone else. Now when I looked at myself in the mirror I know longer see the girl trying to be pretty I see the woman who is beautiful! My life changed the moment my mindset did!

Angela